I might need to self-medicate myself this week, as I’m bouncing around on a couple of topics that caught my eye in recent days. Oh, well, it’s summer, the season of delicious beverages to go with the barbecuing, so the self-medicating will have to come in the form of spirits.
But I digress. Onto the topics.
Too many of us have experienced it; most of us have seen letters of praise on the subject, yet we fail to truly appreciate this small aspect of Chatham- Kent that can send a tear to one’s eye.
I’m talking about the quiet tradition around here of showing one’s respect to the recently deceased, as in how we react to an approaching funeral procession.
I’ve seen it from inside a lead car in the procession too often in recent years here in Chatham- Kent. But I must say it never ceases to move me when local residents pull over to the side of the road when a funeral procession passes.
We do it regardless of which direction on the street the procession is travelling. It is an incredible and simple show of respect. Trust me, it is appreciated.
I’ve even seen pedestrians stop, take of their hats and wait as the procession drove past. Amazing.
In Chatham-Kent, periodically, there is a driver or two who didn’t notice the procession in time, or didn’t care enough to pull over.
But in Toronto, judging from what I observed Monday, people pulling over are the exception, and lack of respect is the norm.
It’s such a difference. Our vehicle was perhaps half a dozen cars back from the hearse as we headed towards Mount Pleasant Cemetery from a Toronto funeral centre (big city, big funeral business). The only reason I got out of the parking lot and onto the street in my place in line is because a traffic light changed.
But about a block later, someone forced their way into to procession right in front of me, and stayed there for about a kilometre until it was time to turn into their targeted shopping plaza.
I remembered how you had to stay all but glued onto the bumper of the car in front of you on the highway if you wanted to avoid being cut off in Toronto, but I did not expect this to occur in a funeral procession.
Traffic heading in the other direction could have cared less that a person was heading to his final resting place. All told, three vehicles pulled over and stopped. And I’m pretty sure the third vehicle pulled over because the second blocked its route.
Here in Chatham, the pace at which the funeral procession heads to the cemetery is slow and somber. In Toronto, it approaches the speed limit. Ah, the pace of Toronto.
At least we weren’t fishtailing our way into the cemetery and screeching to a halt in front of the gravesite.
Thank the heavens for small miracles.
And thank the same heavens for us living in Chatham-Kent, and not that roadblock on the 401 known as Toronto.
I’ve seen yet another example of why people outside Toronto call that city’s residents “city-ots.”
* * *
Back bacon and beer. Kenora dinner jackets, toques and work boots. All this says “Canadian” in terms of Bob and Doug McKenzie.
On the eve of Canada’s birthday, my wife found a replay on CBC Newsworld of “Bob and Doug’s Two-Four Anniversary,” a documentary celebrating Canadian fictional icons Bob and Doug McKenzie.
These two hosers, played since 1980 by Rick Moranis as Bob and Dave Thomas as Doug, did the movie “Strange Brew” 25 years ago. For anyone who followed and loved their Great White North skits on SCTV, having a two-four anniversary in 2007 was so appropriate.
For most anyone going to high school in the early 1980s, Bob and Doug went with them. Schools had days where students were to dress as hosers -toque, Kenora dinner jacket (plaid flannel shirt or jacket for those of you who don’t know the term), and jeans. Chances are you knew friends who tried to talk like Bob and Doug, saying, “take off,” or “you hoser” or “good day, eh?” It is pure Canadiana. Moranis and Thomas took Canadian affectations to the extreme and played them to the max in front of the TV world. Americans had their stereotypical Canadians in front of them.
The anniversary show tracked down the likes of comedian Ben Stiller and Simpsons creator Matt Groening, along with a host of famous Canadians such as comedian Brett Butt, Rush bassist/vocalist Geddy Lee, and even former Prime Minister Paul Martin (to his credit, he was quite funny).
It really captured the spirit of Bob and Doug, and was a fitting Canadian comedic piece of programming the night before Canada turned 141.
Beauty, eh?

Bruce Corcoran is the managing editor of The Chatham Daily News.

Win Barton never had a child in her 93 years on this earth, but youngsters, particularly newborns, held a special place in her heart.
The Chatham-Kent IODE donated a rocking chair to the maternal newborn unit at the Chatham-Kent Health Alliance in memory of Barton, who passed away last spring.
Barton was well known in the community several decades ago as the supervisor of the maternity ward at the hospital.
“We knew this is where her heart had always been,” said Linda Oldershaw, an IODE member.
Fellow IODE member Ev Reeve said Barton “ruled with an iron fist, but everyone loved her.”
Reeve said Barton was fond of reminding her she was there when both her sons were born.
Jean Arbour only worked with Barton for a few months while a nursing student, but she still remembers her.
“She was a task master,” Arbour said.
She said the nurses weren’t afraid of her, but they knew “we wouldn’t live up to her expectations.”
Arbour said Barton “was a good person,” adding, “nursing was her life.”
Oldershaw said Barton was a petite woman “who always looked like she walked out of a fashion magazine.”
She said Barton worked at a dry goods store in Wallaceburg, before deciding to go into nursing.
“Once she became a nurse, she really dedicated herself to it,” Oldershaw said.

A group of Chatham Collegiate Institute alumni, ranging from the 1950s to late 1990s, are seeking the help of other former CCI grads to create an elaborate display that will chronicle the history of 117-year-old high school.
A web site has been established to make it easier to gather memorabilia.
Committee chairman Ed Myers said, “we’ve got a wide range of experiences and talents available to really get this project off the ground. But the key will be the involvement of the broader CCI alumni community — that’s where we really need to get the word out.”
The web site, www.ccicougars.com, has list of materials being sought for display, as well as information on the need for volunteers and much-needed funds for the project. It will also be used to provide updates on the display, which will be housed at Chatham-Kent Secondary School.
“We set up the web site in order to reach as many alumni and friends of CCI as possible, both in Chatham-Kent and beyond,” said committee member Todd Haskell. “This is a streamlined way to let our alumni know what types of material we’re looking for, and for our alumni to let us know what they have to offer.”
Anyone with information about CCI memorabilia can also leave a voice mail at 519-352-2870 Ext. 800 and receive a response within the week.

Thousands of Chatham-Kent students weren’t the only ones looking for a little time off from their studies this summer.
Approximately 80 adults who have recently immigrated to Canada, recently celebrated the end of their school year at the Adult Language and Learning Centre with a multicultural feast featuring 20 different dishes.
Joshua Kaijuka, 28, who recent came to Chatham-Kent from the African country of Uganda, enjoyed the variety of food available.
“I like everything,” he said with a smile, noting he tried dishes from Rumania, Poland, Mexico and Korea to name a few.
He also learned to use chopsticks, noting, “I find it better than a fork.”
Tracy Callaghan, Adult Language and Learning executive director, said the program is taking off and will likely increase now that the agency is also providing an Immigrant Settlement and Adaption Program, funded by Citizen and Immigration Canada.
“We have a full house,” Callaghan said, noting the operation is in the process of expanding again.
Located on the third floor of 48 Fifth St. in Chatham, the agency is currently preparing to take over a large section of the second floor with the goal if providing on-site daycare to allow recent immigrants to receive language instruction.
Callaghan said the program not only helps immigrants learn English it also teaches them about the Canadian culture and discusses the laws that apply here.
She said immigrants coming to Canada are anxious to work, but many often find that their lack of English skills hold them back. She said the goal is to improve their understanding of the language and the culture in order to eliminate those barriers for employment.

Congratulations to Bill Pachkowski, supervisor of horticultural services for Chatham-Kent, on recently being awarded a Paul Harris Fellowship by the Chatham Sunrise Rotary Club.
He received the award, named after the founder of the Rotary movement more than century ago, for being a key person in the beautification of the Rotary Trial.
Pachkowski has provided assistance, guidance and manpower in developing the trail along Grand Avenue West near the bank of the Thames River, between Smitty’s Family Restaurant to the flags across from the Zellers store.

Participants in this year’s Chatham Kiwanis Music were recognized for their talents during a provincial competition, held earlier this month in Toronto.
William Lindsay of Chatham was winner in the Speech Arts Advanced Level and Eric Bleyendaal of Windsor won in Speech Arts Senior Level.
Chatham resident Elise Brazeau received honourable mention in Grade 7 Voice and Kadianne Webb, also from Chatham, received honourable mention in Junior Level Music Theatre.

Summer has been late coming to southern Ontario. We continue to have clouds, rain and below normal temperatures.  However, summer will be here soon….

Summer does pose some challenges for photography.  The days are long, particularly in June and July, and beautiful morning light is only available to those who awake early in the day.  Evening light, though, is more accessible to all.  The hot hazy days of summer often create difficult day time lighting conditions and you need to be careful with your exposures.

Summer can be fun, though, as summer events and summer sports present numerous opportunities for dynamic images.  Across the province, there are many special summer events, ranging from highland games, folk festivals, to shows and sports events.  All these special events present really interesting opportunities to photograph people and the event participants.

As well, summer sports are exciting subjects and allow you to practise panning on fast moving water-skiers, mountain bikers and sail boats.  You may not use the advanced continuous autofocus functions of your camera but in the summer, you can have a lot of fun trying to capture the fun of summer sports.  This can be even more special if a friend or family member is involved and you can share that special moment with them.

So, consult your community’s web site and check out the summer arts activities, sports events and other activities.  Make a list for yourself of special events that appeal to you and see how you can capture the action of summer and have fun at the same time.

My Beyond City Hall column published June 30 . . .

Greg Briggs should know better than make assumptions about my assignments or intentions. Thumbs up to management for allowing me to address his recent letter to the editor.

Readers sometimes need extra insight. Mr. Briggs, obviously, is one of them.

My assignment the day before the Canadian government was scheduled to apologize to Indian residential school victims was to get comment from native people on the issue.

Dropping by Nbisiing Secondary School was a good start. Nipissing First Nation’s modern educational facility contrasts nicely with the past practice of shipping kids off to the Garnier residential labour farm in Spanish River.

As the conversations with teachers, students, staff and principal came to an end, the idea of sticking around for the co-operative education program’s year-end lunch was mine. The story needed artwork to illustrate what words can’t and an event celebrating young people who learned working skills without being beaten and starved seemed appropriate. This lunch was also a gesture of thanks to the businesses involved for taking the time to help give young people a chance to experience different fields of work.

It’s hard to understand exactly why the cackles of Mr. Briggs stiffened so much. I’m sure many Conservatives were on edge that week after watching Prime Minister Stephen Harper apologize on behalf of the Canadian government. Maybe Mr. Briggs just didn’t like to see a certain business linked, even in juxtaposition, with such a historic embarrassment?

Whatever the case, his presumptive letter suggested I failed my appointed duties.

What to do, what to do? Usually we just let people take their best shots and reporters are forced to endure inaccurate letters to the editors. But in this instance, with the caustic tone of Mr. Briggs in mind, I take offence and challenge him to an old-fashioned duel on my blog.

Consider your face slapped with a leather glove . . . it’s sharp words at 10 paces if you dare. Any topic will do.

Mr. Brigg’s letter to the editor . . .

In the Wednesday, June 11 edition of the Nugget, an article was written by Dave Dale titled Nipissing First Nation looking for Sincerity.” It described the anticipation with which local First Nations people were awaiting Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s upcoming apology regarding the treatment of our First Nations countrymen during the Residential Schools era.
Under Mr. Dale’s article was a picture of a local business owner by the name of Khouri Long from Cor Maximus who was attending an event celebrating the partnership between businesses such as Cor Maximus and the co-operative education program at Nbissing Secondary School.
Also in the picture were Rachel Couchie, a student of the program who has recently completed a co-op placement at Cor Maximus and Judy Manitowabi who runs the Nbissing school’s co-operative education program.
The article written really had nothing to do with the event portrayed in the picture, which presumably Mr. Dale was there to report on.
Why not write the good news story the event was held to celebrate about the partnership between local business people and local First Nations people, which is providing hands-on opportunities to First Nations students for learning various skills they will need to succeed in today’s world and building bridges between our cultures?
It is not my intention to minimize the importance of what Mr. Dale wrote about, given its obvious importance to all Canadians, but it could have been written in a separate article.
GREG BRIGGS North Bay

Having fled the Outlaw League for a safer haven that is the Northern Ontario Jr. Hockey League, the Temiscaming Royals have scheduled a press conference for July 2 to officially proclaim their new status.

Their arrival is welcome news for the NOJHL. The Quebec-based Royals, along with the Michigan-based Soo Eagles, have combined to add strength to the NOJHL and make it an eight-team league again.

Well received during the ‘07-08 season by fans in Temiscaming — which is tucked just inside the Quebec border, less than an hour’s drive from North Bay — the Royals will play within the East Division of the NOJHL in ‘08-09 with their primary rivals being the Abitibi Eskimos, North Bay Skyhawks and Sudbury Jr. Wolves.

While much has been made of the obvious geographical rivalry with North Bay, I suspect that Temiscaming might have just as intense a relationship with Abitibi. As the Royals will feature a lineup heavy with French Canadians, let us not forget that the Eskimos have long drawn on Francophone players from the Iroquois Falls area and the Hearst Elans AA midget program.

At any rate, after making it through the ‘07-08 season with just six teams, the NOJHL again numbers eight and in the process has added a Temiscaming team that was a jewel franchise in the Outlaw League last season.

The Royals will bring credibility with them beginning with coach/general manager Steve McCharles. I don’t know McCharles personally but I do remember him as a defenceman with the Ontario Hockey League’s Sudbury Wolves during the early 1980s. Besides, he has good references from good people, including Joe Drago, the well-respected President of the Ontario Hockey Federation, who managed and co-owned the Wolves when McCharles played in Sudbury.

I have heard many good things about the Temiscaming franchise from ownership to McCharles to public relations person Chris Dawson to the hundreds of fans to the atmosphere in the rink in which the Royals play.

Ergo, I say: Welcome aboard.

by Randy Russon, Osprey Media

CLARKSBURG – Not even torrential rain and lightning can keep the stars from shining today in the Blue Mountains as the Ford Wayne Gretzky Classic Nationwide Golf Tournament presented by Samsung (feel free to take a breath here) got underway with the first day’s play.

And it was like an Edmonton Oilers alumni tournament with Paul Coffey, Mark Messier, Marty McSorely, and Gretzky taking part as amateurs and Grant Fuhr again proving he was the real golfer of the bunch by competing as a pro.

Make it 24 pro hockey players and counting to give the tournament a true Canadian feel. So Canadian, that the focus of the day was on now former Toronto Maple Leaf Darcy Tucker who was a popular interview subject.

But beyond all this blue and white, there was a golf tournament here as Aron Price overcame hooking his tee sot into the trees on his first hole to finish at -7 and a two-shot lead. 

Complicating the day for the fans is that the tournament is being played on two courses – Thornbury’s The Raven at Lora Bay and at Clarksburg’s The Georgian Bay Club. And while shuttle service is available from two off-site parking areas, it does make it a little tricky to figure out which course you’ll visit first.

But with morning and afternoon rounds, fans should have no trouble seeing most of the celebrities they want.

The bagpipes is an instrument that takes years to master, but 12-year-old Justin Steele is far ahead of the learning curve.
After only taking up the bagpipes just over a year ago, the Chatham boy is already a member of local the Br. 28 Legion Pipe Band and the London Fire Fighters Pipe Band.
He also recently won first place at a Grade 5 bagpipe competition in Georgetown, last weekend.
Justin’s interest in the bagpipes was born during a trip to Scotland, the birthplace of the instrument.
“I just thought it would be a cool thing to do,” he said.
He joined the Br. 28 Legion Pipe Band where he learned to play the instrument and then began taking lessons twice a week in London with well known instructor John Cairns.
Making the London Fire Fighters Pipe Band, which requires players to be at least a Grade 4 level of playing, is quite an achievement.
“Some people have been playing bagpipes their whole life and they’re only at Grade 4,” Justin said.
He is nonchalant about how quickly he has learned to play such a difficult instrument.
“It’s really hard when you start (playing),” he said, adding it gets easier the more you practice.
Justin is aiming to get better, noting he practices everyday for at least an hour. He is heading for a two-week bagpipers camp in Aurora, north of Toronto, in preparation for nine highland game competitions he plans to attend across Ontario and Quebec this summer.
Justin has his sights set on achieving a Champion Supreme status, which is accomplished by earning points at the various highland game events.
Justin’s dad, Mike Steele, said, “we’re extremely proud of him.
We’ve never even pushed him . . . He pushes us,” laughed Mike.
He said Justin also hopes to one day win a gold medal in Scotland for his playing.

Congratulations to Wallaceburg native Jeff Wesley who was called to the Ontario Bar last Monday, enabling him to practice law in the province, after graduating from the University of Windsor Law School, last year.
Wesley, former Mayor of Wallaceburg and Chatham-Kent councillor, has returned to Union Gas as manager of government and aboriginal affairs.

If you are around Chatham-Kent Aug. 16, you might see 64 area residents frantically roaming around the community while wearing the same T-shirts.
Don’t be alarmed, it’ll just be the third annual Chatham-Kent Amazing Race.
This year’s teams have been selected. If you know anyone, make sure you give them a donation. The teams competing include: Genetically Linked — Brenda Burgess, Michelle Anjema; M.A.V II Loads of Love — Marcel Demaiter, Ron Louzon; Fubar — Wade Clubb, John Dugal; Honeymoon’s Over — Rob and Angela Driessen; Mechanical Maniacs — Joe Pisquieum, Matt DaCosta; Blond Ambition — Kelly Watson, Stacey Rowsome; The Daily Divas — Heather Travis, Tricia Green; Boss & Heeter — George Bossy, Greg Hetherington; D n’ R — Chris Ripley, Paul Dhaen; Team Horton’s — Nikki and Gerred Horton; Diamonds in the Ruff — Carol-Anne and Lance Babcock; C-K Fire Top Team — Scott Hammond, Phil Hime; Ten and Eleven — Scott Hutchison, Mary ten Doeschate; Flowriders — Brian Cofell, Jamie Pickering; KGB — Karen Simpson, Greg. St. Pierre; Family Circus — Sue and Allan Lucier; The McLarty Party — Elly McLarty and Tim McLarty; Just in Time —Amy Johnson, Sarah Cowley; The New Beginnings Bandits — Brian Coleman, Diana Cumming; Mail Movin Mommas — Sue Meyers, Lisa Gooding; Health Nut and Beer Nut — Brent and Karen Reaume; Wine Bottle to Baby Bottles — Tim Mielczarek, Jill Northcott; Road Runners — Colleen Grison, Emily FitzGerald; The Super C’s — Charlene and Chad St. Pierre; Optimistic Beatniks — Jeff and Jackie Beatty; F Bombs — Brent Denure, Steve Pickard; Bondy’s Clothes & Hose — Michael Bondy, John Bondy; B n B Competitive Edge — Cheryl Bilodeau, Rebecca Belare; Salt n’ Pepa — Jenne Wason Pickard, Shannon Prince; The Greenfield Cornhuskers — Adam Sanderson, Angelo Ligori; Joda’s Warriors — John Turton, Paula Carson; Up And Away — Aaron and Sandra Neaves.

The Prism Centre for Audiology and Children’s Rehabilitation honoured several people, recently, during the agency’s annual general meeting, which also marked the 60th year of the facility.
Long standing volunteer Juanita Luxton was installed into the agency’s hall of fame.
Claudette Meriano was recognized for her efforts to gaining a commitment to install accessible washroom change areas for teens and adults in service centres along Highway 401.
And Joe Johns and his daughter Joanne provided a history on the facility as founding members.
The Prism Centre also recognized major supporters, including: RBC, Festival of Giving, Tim Horton franchisee operators Mike and Paula Grail, Ronald McDonald Children’s Charities, Union Gas and International Truck and Engine Corporation.

The Chatham-Kent Police Service has recognized its top safety patrol teams.
McNaughton Avenue Public School won first prize, Victor Lauriston Public School finished second and W.J. Baird Public School in Blenheim placed third.
The winning schools were treated to a pizza party and mini golf on Wednesday, provided by Chatham Golf and Fun Centre.

Linda Wolting, from the Chatham Christian School, reports 22 people, including 13 Union Gas employees, some of their family members, and school volunteers completed a landscape project at the school, recently.
Union Gas employees donate their time to several community projects across Chatham-Kent through the Spectra Energy Foundation, which is the parent company of the utility.
Wolting said Eric Hystek and Derick Shepherd of Earthworks Garden Centre did the design, delivered the materials and helped out free of charge.
“It looks beautiful,” she said.

The Northern Ontario Jr. Hockey League will be an eight-team outfit come the ‘08-09 season with official confirmation expected sooner than later.

The NOJHL held its Annual General Meeting on Manitoulin Island on the weekend and voted to expand to Temiscaming, Que. and Sault Ste. Marie, Mich.

The Ontario Hockey Federation also held its AGM on the weekend and President Joe Drago tells me that once “necessary documentation” is received from Hockey Quebec for the Temiscaming Royals and from USA Hockey for the Soo Eagles “we will recommend to Hockey Canada” that the two teams be allowed into the NOJHL.

With approval seemingly imminent, the NOJHL went about business as an eight-team league at its AGM and drew up a tentative schedule for the ‘08-09 season. All teams will play a 50-game unbalanced schedule with more games within their own division.

With eight teams, the NOJHL will go to a two division setup with Temiscaming, the Abitibi Eskimos, North Bay Skyhawks and Sudbury Kal Tire Jr. Wolves in the East and the Soo Eagles, Soo Thunderbirds, Blind River Beaves and Manitoulin Islanders in the West.

The NOJHL has also decided to continue with a Showcase Tournament during the upcoming season and all eight teams will be involved.

And Hector Seguin will continue as acting Commissioner at least until the NOJHL’s next monthly meeting in July.

by Randy Russon, Osprey Media.

There’s a lot of new Mustangs running around town these days. These peppy rockets offer a memorable trip down the muscle-car lane of the 1960s — although gasoline isn’t 20 cents a gallon anymore.

I drove a poor cousin to the real Mustangs. It was a 1975 Ford Mustang (Pony) hatch-back with a 302 engine  pumped up with a four-barrel Holley carb. Sounds pretty cool, but mine must have been in an accident because it always felt like I was cruising along like a crab going sideways down the highways.

It would have been much cooler if I had owned it in high school. For some dumb reason I bought it for my first full-time journalism gig in White Rock, B.C. in May 1989. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

My publisher took one look at its tri-tone paint job, heard the engine sputter and conk out and then said words I’ll never forget: “Why didn’t you buy a Honda?”

The poor thing had a bad pick-up in the carb and it took a while for a couple of mechanics to find the trouble. You know the drill, the first guy replaced several perfectly good parts like the alternator and battery, before a real mechanic saved my bacon.

I also had to break through the hatch window one day when the keys were locked inside, which meant there was no problem with air conditioning.

The Mustang and I eventually limped back to Ontario and some brothers out in Corbeil bought it for $900. I think they painted it yellow.

Even now, I’m a little jealous these days when sparkling new Mustangs whiz by — even though my rotten back would never allow me to drive around so low to the ground.

So I chuckled recently as I was driving south on Highway 11 and saw the Fuzz handing out a ticket to a hapless powder-blue Mustang owner.

We must be careful, however, not to laugh too loud at the bad luck of our fellow human beings.

Last week, I was giggling as one of those pretty-girl types drove by, elbows on the wheel as she talked on a cellphone while applying lipstick with the free hand. And flapping away in the wind under her windshield wiper was a parking ticket she might never notice.

I was amused just enough to get a cosmic warning the next day as I drove away from the Nugget in a hurry. I was sipping my coffee while trying to signal and pull on my seatbelt while negotiating a left turn onto Cassells Street. The cop wasn’t smiling as I just managed to pull into my lane without nicking his fender.

We mustn’t laugh too loud at others. We mustn’t laugh too loud at others . . .

-30 -

I pity professional golfers, I really do. The poor hoity toity types have pretty much the worst uniform obligations among professional athletes (this honour used to be owned by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but losing the creamsicle uniforms and wimpy smiling pirate logo in 1997 changed all that).
The duffers wander the course under strict guidelines. You just know folks such as John Daly would love to wear shorts, a sleeveless top (or at least a T-shirt with sleeves just to have a place to store that pack of smokes). But, alas, it cannot be. Collared shirts. Nerdy sweater vests (about as hip as pocket protectors), long pants and “dress” spikes.
Please.
I guess we should be thankful these golfers aren’t still going around donning a shirt and tie.
Don’t dress athletes up as if they are going out to dinner. This etiquette is silly and antiquated.
These guys are playing at times in extreme heat, yet those long pants are a must. At least the ladies can wear shorts if they want.
As for the golf shirts, they are fine as long as some fashion guru doesn’t try to make them stylish. Add a pattern, and chances are it’s ugly to the extreme.
Anyone watching U. S. Open first round play would have seen Aussie Adam Scott’s hideous checkered nerd vest.
He played with Mr. Swoosh — Tiger Woods — who looked dorky in a pale blue Nike shirt with white stripes, and The Golfinator — Phil Mickelson — who’s off-season time in the gym has people wondering if he should be forced to provide a urine sample.
One of the worst aspects of PGA golf attire and etiquette is that some of it trickles down to small-town golf courses.
Too many of these operations have strict dress codes. Even shorts down here in sweltering Southwestern Ontario can be frowned upon.
About the best entertainment on golf courses around the globe that don’t sport PGA golfers are the wannabes. These are the guys who think they’re really good golfers and try to dress the part of the professional.
You know about whom I’m talking. They sport the look — completed by a ball cap that actually has a golf company logo on it — slip on their brand-name golf glove, pull out their custom-made knockoff driver with a clubhead the size of a VW Bug, put the ball on the tee, toss grass clippings into the air to check the wind (as if they’re good enough to use it to their advantage, or even take it into consideration in their game) and WHAM! Huge divot as the compact car of a clubhead slams into the ground four inches before the tee; the resulting shockwave topples the ball from the tee; Mr. Cool looking around to see what “distracted” him and immediately taking a Mulligan.
Finally, he hits the ball, and off it slices into the trees. Mr. Cool’s precious club follows the ball shortly thereafter and at a higher, angrier velocity.
By now, all the Mr. Cools out there think I abhor golf.
Nah, I’ve played — about as much in my entire life as one golfaholic does in a single summer. I’m admittedly not that good. I lose balls regularly. And I slice and top the ball, bounce my clubheads into the ground, miss putts, and have a mess of an approach game. I once nearly hit someone in my foursome, who was standing BEHIND me.
Sorry, Billy, ricochets can be a pain.
Yet I can do what the Mr. Cools of the world can’t — laugh at horrible shots. And not care about how I play one way or the other.
There is one thing that has my attention for most of my time on the course (as others duck and cover while I rain down golf balls everywhere but where I’d really like them to go) — have you seen the drink cart go by lately?
Bruce Corcoran is the managing editor of The Chatham Daily News.